The Black Dog Snapping

Well I’m sitting here outside in my recliner on the front porch contemplating what the next step in m life is going to be. It is a shitfull cold and rainy day pretty much like my mood atm after yesterday news.

Hmm where to start, start from the beginning i guess, it may turn out to be a long post so hang in there peeps. 

2004: my partner at the time was a rotten drunk that used to tease me no end about my weight, he never used to hit me, he used to pinch and name call. I found out i was pregnant so i had some big decisions to make, which wasn’t easy considering where i was with my level of self esteem and self worth was zilch and the black dog was snapping at my heels, i wasn’t in a good place put it that way. I was working part time in community nursing (i am a registered nurse) and i was at the time living with my parents. I decided after many sleepless nights that i had to do something to put myself in a better place and for the baby to have a better life. I chose to move as far away as i could as i knew he would never follow where i was going. So i got a job as an agency nurse and my first placement was in Bourke far west NSW, yes “The Back Of Bourke”, it was only a 3 month contract but it would give me time to decide where i wanted to be. In December of that year i was around 10-12 weeks pregnant (never had it confirmed by a Dr) i started bleeding and had heavy cramping, I lost the baby, I didn’t know what to do i was all alone and in the middle of no where. So i did what i thought was right at the time and kept working, i didn’t tell anyone what was happening to me i was on auto pilot. 2 weeks on i was still bleeding heavily and feeling pretty sick, so i went to the Dr and he said i needed an ultrasound (the nearest ultrasound facility at the time was a 4 hour drive away in Dubbo) so off i went on a 4 hour drive and stayed at the cheapest hotel i could find the formula 1. The reception/manager lady was so lovely i explained that i had to drink a liter of water for a scan i was having and she made sure there was a jug ready in the morning in the breakfast area). My mum and dad did come down but along with them they brought my sister and her boyfriend like one big happy family, i just wanted to be alone. When i was waiting for the scan i was busting for the loo, like a lot of the other pregnant ladies that were there. My time came and the ultrasound lady called me in i didn’t hear her at first because i was off in my own little world, she called again and i got up and when i got to the door she told me to hurry up and that i was taking up an appointment for a lady that was actually having a baby. What a thing to say to someone who had just lost theirs. The ultrasound just showed an empty uterus which i already knew, so i drove the 4 hours back to Bourke and seen the GP who i think put me on antibiotics.

I stayed in Bourke for 3 1/2 years, and i did end up beating the black dog back down with a sharp stick, but it took a long time and the help of some great friends and some antidepressants, i had counselling at the time but that wasn’t for me.

I moved back home to Lismrore and lived with my grandparents and became my grandmothers full time carer as well as working full time. It was hard work and very sad considering how close my “mim” and i where, i was born on her birthday so we had a special bond. on my birthday my granddad had a heart attack, and had to go to Sydney for testing, he recovered well, but it made it hard as i had to basically care for the both of them, as granddad didn’t like following Dr orders and resting lol i remember coming home from work one day and finding him pruning the trees i dam near had a heart attack myself. Ill never forget the night my mim died as it was the first night i had spent away from them since moving back, i think it was 3 months after coming back. I was due to work a morning shift that day and i was already awake at mum and dads house when the phone rang and dad answered it it was granddad saying mim had passed away, i drove like a friggen bat out of hell and got there just as the undertakers did. It was a very hard time.

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Rip MIM

I turned into a recluse never went out only to work and home i comfort ate and went on online chat sites which is where i met my next partner, so off i moved to St George in QLD. Needless to say it didn’t last longer than 12 months.

After St George i moved around a little i was in Lightning Ridge for just over 12 months, and then decided it was tie to move home, yes with yet another boyfriend he was a controlling ass but i was moving home to family. not long after moving back i think it was like 2 months i  woke up to myself and broke it off, and moved home again until i got a place of my own. my life was finally on an even keel after running for what seemed like years, it seemed to be the way i delt with things was to run.

Things were going good for a while until November 18 months ago when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and my world stopped. I was not going to run, i knew i had to step up and be there for my mum even though i had my own health issues i put her first. Se had a double mastectomy on the 13th of December and was to have chemo once the wounds had healed. Her wound broke down and it took me 2 weeks of trying to convince her to let me look at it since she wouldn’t show anyone else, and what i seen was devastating, the wound had turned into a massive hole in her chest that was badly infected. She was so ashamed and worried at me having to look at her like that when she was so vulnerable. Dad was beside himself and so were my brother and sister. I was there for all of them but firstly for mum. I sent i think it was 3 months dressing her wound until it healed enough for the surgeon to stitch it back again, he was very impressed at how i was dressing it and how clean the wound always was when he did his checks. in March the day after my 30th birthday she started chemo. She put them off so she could attend my party and not wreck it she said. I will never forget it.

The end of April in 2012 mum was still having chemo, i had major surgery on my ear and mastoid bone where they drilled it out and grafted my ear drum in the hope i might get some hearing back. Mum was so stressed that she couldn’t be there for me but i kept reassuring her id be fine. The surgery went well and the graft was taking only my hearing hadnt changed. 4 days after having surgery i drove into Lismore to pick mum up from chemo, i wasn’t supposed to drive, i hadn’t taken any pain killers since the night before and it was 2 in the afternoon, looking back now and laughing god knows how i would have explained to the cops if i got pulled up why i had a turban bandage on my head and a bloody patch on it over my ear.

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Underneath Yucko

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The bloody patch and swollen face

Mum has now been cancer free for 12 months 🙂

That brings me to the Now and i have been procrastinating about it and scared shitless that the black dog i beat down is now snapping at my heals again. I have had 1 known miscarriage and 2 suspected and no live children. My partner and i have been trying of a sort (not using protection) for the past 20 months and nothing. I had Surgery on the 2nd of may which i think i mentioned in a post somewhere to see why i haven’t been able to fall pregnant. Well it isn’t good news, my Fallopian tubes are blocked on the end near the ovary on both sides, and the obgyn said yesterday that there is nothing that can be done surgical or medical wise to fix it. He explained that there is a chance slim as it is that i might fall pregnant in the next 4 months naturally due to the dye he put up my tubes dilating them. After that my only option is IVF. A Big blow. I can hear the black dog coming, and i am hoping that i can beat him again. I am going to work like a mad woman on the 12WBT to get my body in the healthiest position i can and pray for a miracle over the next 4 months. I have all my meal/exercise plans printed out and in a folder with recepies printed in another, i have a diary i am using to organise myself. I’m hoping I can handle what is to come, one thing for sure i am not going to run away.

Long winded i know and thank you to those who read, i needed to get it out.

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MirrorMe

The “Weighting” Game

Well I’ve always been an impatient sort of person and waiting isn’t a thing i do well, that’s probably what got me into this “Heavy” mess in the first place lol. Id want results ASAP and would get down on myself if they didn’t happen. Even though this is my first round of the 12WBT and it hasn’t actually started yet (5 days to go whoop whoop) I feel within myself that i am going to make this work for me, i feel more relaxed and the numbers big or small in loss make me happy and proud to know that i am finally making some changes 🙂

Weigh in this morning i wasn’t expecting anything at all because i haven’t been able to exercise  for the last week due to surgery on Thursday, and a few slip ups with my diet…*insert face slap here…but i am back on track now, and this morning the scales said i had lost another 1 kg whoop whoop making it a total of 6.8 kg in the last 3 weeks or so, so im pretty stoked over that. 

I have been stressing and worrying about what the Dr is going to say on Friday about my blocked Fallopian tubes and wondering if there is going to be a solution so i can have a very much wanted baby, i don’t know what i will do if he says that there is nothing that can be done, but i am staying positive, and having the 12WBT program to focus on has given me a new focus.

Anyway just a short note today

Cheers

MirrorMe

 

New Beginninngs

Soooo where to begin, hhmmm how about from the start. I am 31 yrs old and im desperately overweight and unhappy. Phewww i said it.

Whilst doing my usual thing of sitting on my ass on Facebook one evening most likely chowing down on a family size block of chocolate I came across the Michelle Bridges 12WBT program in my news feed (i don’t even remember liking the page). I had been thinking a lot lately about trying to loose some weight to make myself feel better (yes i was sitting there thinking that whilst eating a family block of chocolate). So i went onto Google and typed in 12WBT. After reading what the program was about and what was involved i thought BUGGER IT, and i signed up no second thoughts no second chances, id had all the second chances i was going to have. I was excited that i was finally going to be doing something about my weight and also making some major changes in my life.

I was not a happy girl at all in the depths of a deep dark hole I didn’t think id ever get out of. Not only am i overweight, but i have the lowest of low self esteem and belief in self worth. I want to be fit and healthy and i want to love life again. I was that down that i wouldn’t even look in the mirror below my shoulders, because every time i did i know what i would see is an obese ugly-looking “thing” and wounder how anyone could love that. Hence the name “Journey To The Mirror” i want to be able to look in a full length mirror without bursting into tears or thinking nasty thoughts about myself. By joining the 12WBT program i am giving myself the best chance to change my life. I am not thinking of it as a diet or exercise program, i am thinking of it as a lifestyle change.

I the first pre-season task “Get Real” we were asked to list our excuses and their solutions so here is what i wrote:

Internal Excuses

1. Im Tired
2. Im too big for that ill break it
3. I will only fail so whats the point
4. I will look stupid
5. People will only laugh at me “look at the fat girl in the gym”

Solutions

1. I am tired because i am overweight, and training will help that and give me energy
2. Everyone has to start somewhere, every bit of exercise counts towards my goals
3. I will NOT fail, i have support of friends and others to talk to and i want this more than ever
4. I know there are other ways to train, and by training even at the gym and getting fit i will get my self confidence back
5. I will not worry what others think of me i am doing this for myself!

External Excuses (within my control)

1. Its too hot
2. I have pain in my ear
3. That time of the month

Solutions

1. Put the fan on and get stuck into it sweat is good it means im working
2. Working out will take my mind off it so crank the music and smash it
3. Exercise will help stretch muscles and ease pain

From the day i wrote these i started recognising when i would make excuses not to do something whether it be exercise or something that involved physical activity such as housework or just anything in general really and i applied the saying “Just Fucking Do It” which i learned from the 12WBT 30+ crew. I started cutting out things that i knew were bad for me like sugary/fatty/processed foods,, and replacing them with healthy fruits and vegetables. I bit the bullet and went back to the gym where the PT did up a program for me to follow in the pre-season before the actual exercise programs were given to us.

I started to notice a change within the first week of cutting out the shit from my diet, i had more energy, i wasnt as tired, and i was finding more joy in everyday things like spending time with my niece and nephew and tending with my birds. My family who were skeptical and even said things like “you wont finish it” “Its just a have” started to notice the difference in my moods and in my whole being i guess and certainly changed their tune, my mum even said to me one night when i was round there for dinner “If you werent here tonight i would have broken my diet and gone and got junk food” se said it meaning that i had helped her fight the cravings 🙂

I had surgery on the 2nd of May a Laparoscopy, Hysteroscopy, Curettage and Dye to see what was wrong with my female bits as to why i hadn’t been able to fall pregnant for the past 20 months that my partner and i have been together, as it turns out my fallopian tubes are blocked 😦 fairly devastated. I find out on the 10/5 what can be done about it.

As of yet im unable to get back to the gym which is annoying me no end because i was really enjoying it, i am going to start back tomorrow with some walking o the treddie and some hand weights, i feel like i am slacking off, but i know i have to rest. Hopefully i will be able to do my fitness test on Thursday or Friday.

I have taken “before” photos which was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, so here you go

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I NEVER NEVER want to see this girl again, i am going to smash this round, and i am going to look in the mirror and like what i see 🙂

I can’t wait for the round to start, i am excited to be making some changes in my life for the better.

XxOo

MirrorMe